I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize