I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
