she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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