I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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