maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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