He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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