I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
