alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
