Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
