Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
