my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
