we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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