im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
