walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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