ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
