Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
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