im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Randomize
