I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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