So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
