i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Im part way to drunk.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
