i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
