Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
