I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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