So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize