I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Can I color on your dick again?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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