Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
