the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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