I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
