So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Randomize
