Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
