I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Oh god it's open bar.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
