I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Operation Purity has been aborted
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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