my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
