Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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