Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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