you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
