He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
