I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
