Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
