If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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