And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Dear god my vagina.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
