you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
