If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
