I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
