I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
