May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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