Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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