So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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