Can i not drive my cunt home
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
