I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
