the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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