I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Randomize
