Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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