um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
i out mim tonsoeep
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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