Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
be right there i have to get my cape
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
A+ Viking dick
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize