wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
