dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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