this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
