I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
