the condom got lost in my hair
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I want a musical about memes.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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