my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
