the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
