as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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