omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
