My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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