u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
