I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
