Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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