I think I just saw someone hide a body.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
